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Postponing the Apocalypse

Amusing posts dedicated to making you stop whatever you're doing and do it later. There's no actual theme for this blog, I simply reblog what I find funny and/or interesting.
SLYTHERCLAW
{ wear }

For those curious, my most popular reblogs are SuperWhoLock (and all its components), Harry Potter, Funny stuff and attractive guys.
Oct 21 '14

arrogantbullyingtoerag:

Minerva McGonagall never had children, but she helped first years find their way.

Minerva McGonagall never had children, but she pursed her lips in just the right way when second years tripped over each other in the halls—and escorted them to the Infirmary besides.

Minerva McGonagall never had children, but she accounted for each and every third year after Hogsmeade visits.

Minerva McGonagall never had children, but a wand came in handy when cleaning up after fourth years—not to mention untransfiguring their pets (and body parts).

Minerva McGonagall never had children, but she always checked the fifth years were eating enough.

Minerva McGonagall never had children, but she smiled at the sixth years whose hearts had been broken, and frowned at those who had done the breaking. 

Minerva McGonagall never had children, but she cried when the seventh years left her, and waited for their children to return.

Minerva McGonagall never had children, but that wasn’t to say she was not a mother.

20,620 notes (via inoticeyoureanerdfighter & arrogantbullyingtoerag)

Oct 21 '14

barry allen + looking at the bigger picture

5,265 notes (via liamsdunbar & andercriss)

Oct 21 '14

linear-relationships:

linear-relationships:

I think unskippable ads on Youtube are the biggest fucking marketing fail, now I am more likely to purposely avoid buying your product out of pure bitter spite that you bitches made me wait.

A bitter blogger never forgives or forgets

83,828 notes (via skeletonjuliuscaesar & linear-relationships)

Oct 21 '14
congenitalprogramming:

dedenne:

ultrafacts:

Source If you want more facts, follow Ultrafacts

which is even funnier because she’s the reason lesbians are called lesbians. she was know as sappho of lesbos and her poems were all about her love for women

no im totally not a lesbo my super actual husband is dick allcocks from man island i’m megahet

congenitalprogramming:

dedenne:

ultrafacts:

Source If you want more facts, follow Ultrafacts

which is even funnier because she’s the reason lesbians are called lesbians. she was know as sappho of lesbos and her poems were all about her love for women

no im totally not a lesbo my super actual husband is dick allcocks from man island i’m megahet

126,636 notes (via seiuchiblarg & ultrafacts)

Oct 21 '14
pomfette:

sarrzuu:

officialbeyonceknowles:

Stop over jealous and insecure boys 2014 

what the hell is hw even code for 

hand wjobs 

pomfette:

sarrzuu:

officialbeyonceknowles:

Stop over jealous and insecure boys 2014 

what the hell is hw even code for 

hand wjobs 

450,689 notes (via liamsdunbar & officialbeyonceknowles)

Oct 21 '14
emmyblotnick:

Either this family has no idea how green screen souvenir photos work or they know EXACTLY how they work.

emmyblotnick:

Either this family has no idea how green screen souvenir photos work or they know EXACTLY how they work.

164,119 notes (via skeletonjuliuscaesar & emmyblotnick)

Oct 21 '14

pleatedjeans:

You should follow @maebemarbles

11,232 notes (via mischiefmagicandmayhem & pleatedjeans)

Oct 21 '14

godtie:

it’s really funny bc like listening to english majors talk about their classes or projects theyre really articulate and they use complex words and stuff and it’s very prestigious sounding and then you listen to science majors and if theyre just talking amongst themselves it sounds more like “yeah i put the compound in the thing and honestly i was hoping for a little boom but all i got was a sizzle i dont know what i did wrong.”

25,863 notes (via inoticeyoureanerdfighter & godtie)

Oct 21 '14
carrotcatmd:

STORY:On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill. Me: ‘Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.’ Server: ‘That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?’ Me: ‘No, it’s to go.’ At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny. Server: ‘Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.’ He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.The following conversation occurs between the two of them:Server: ‘Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?’ Manager: ‘No. A what?’ Server: ‘A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me…’ Manager: ‘Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.’ Server: ‘Yeah, thought so.’ He comes back to me and says, ‘We don’t take these.Do you have anything else?’ Me: ‘Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why? Server: ‘I don’t know.’ Me: ‘See here where it says legal tender?’ Server: ‘Yeah.’ Me: ‘So, why won’t you take it?’ Server: ‘Well, hang on a sec.’ He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to him, ‘He says I have to take it.’Manager: ‘Doesn’t he have anything else?’ Server: ‘Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change. Manager: ‘I’m not opening the safe with him in here.’ Server: ‘What should I do?’ Manager: ‘Tell him to come back later when he has real money.’ Server: ‘I can’t tell him that! You tell him.’ Manager: ‘Just tell him.’ Server: ‘No way! This is weird. I’m going in back. The manager approaches me and says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.’Me: ‘It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.’ Manager: ‘We don’t take those, either.’ Me: ‘Why not?’ Manager: ‘I think you know why.’ Me: ‘No really, tell me why.’ Manager ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’ Me: ‘Excuse me?’ Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’ Me: ‘What on earth for?’ Manager: ‘Please, sir..’ Me: ‘Uh, go ahead, call them.’ Manager: ‘Would you please just leave?’ Me: ‘No.’ Manager: ‘Fine — have it your way then.’ Me: ‘Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?’ At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in. Guard: ‘Yeah, Mike, what’s up?’ Manager (whispering): ‘This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.’ Guard: ‘No kidding! What?’ Manager: ‘Get this. A two dollar bill.’ Guard (incredulous): ‘Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?’ Manager: ‘I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.’ Guard: ‘Oh, so the fifty’s fake!’ Manager: ‘No, the two dollar bill is.’ Guard: ‘Why would he fake a two dollar bill?’ Manager : ‘I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?’ Guard: ‘Yeah.’Security Guard walks over to me and……Guard: ‘Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.’ Me: ‘Uh, no.’ Guard: ‘Lemme see ‘em.’ Me: ‘Why?’ Guard: ‘Do you want me to get the cops in here?’ At this point I’m ready to say, ‘Sure, please!’ but I want to eat, so I say, ‘I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, Guard: ‘Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?’ Manager: ‘It’s fake.’ Guard: ‘It doesn’t look fake to me.’ Manager: ‘But it’s a two dollar bill.’ Guard: ‘Yeah? ‘ Manager: ‘Well, there’s no such thing, is there?’ The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. 

carrotcatmd:

STORY:

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. 

I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill. 

Me: ‘Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.’ Server: ‘That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?’ 
Me: ‘No, it’s to go.’ At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny. 
Server: ‘Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.’ He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.

The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: ‘Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?’ 
Manager: ‘No. A what?’ 
Server: ‘A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me…’ 
Manager: ‘Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.’ 
Server: ‘Yeah, thought so.’ 

He comes back to me and says, ‘We don’t take these.

Do you have anything else?’ 

Me: ‘Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why? 
Server: ‘I don’t know.’ 
Me: ‘See here where it says legal tender?’ 
Server: ‘Yeah.’ 
Me: ‘So, why won’t you take it?’ 
Server: ‘Well, hang on a sec.’ 

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to him, ‘He says I have to take it.’

Manager: ‘Doesn’t he have anything else?’ 
Server: ‘Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change. 
Manager: ‘I’m not opening the safe with him in here.’ 
Server: ‘What should I do?’ 
Manager: ‘Tell him to come back later when he has real money.’ 
Server: ‘I can’t tell him that! You tell him.’ 
Manager: ‘Just tell him.’ 
Server: ‘No way! This is weird. I’m going in back. 

The manager approaches me and says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.’

Me: ‘It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.’ 
Manager: ‘We don’t take those, either.’ 
Me: ‘Why not?’ 
Manager: ‘I think you know why.’ 
Me: ‘No really, tell me why.’ 
Manager ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’ 
Me: ‘Excuse me?’ 
Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’ 
Me: ‘What on earth for?’ 
Manager: ‘Please, sir..’ 
Me: ‘Uh, go ahead, call them.’ 
Manager: ‘Would you please just leave?’ 
Me: ‘No.’ 
Manager: ‘Fine — have it your way then.’ 
Me: ‘Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?’ 

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in. 

Guard: ‘Yeah, Mike, what’s up?’ 
Manager (whispering): ‘This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.’ 
Guard: ‘No kidding! What?’ 
Manager: ‘Get this. A two dollar bill.’ 
Guard (incredulous): ‘Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?’ 
Manager: ‘I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.’ 
Guard: ‘Oh, so the fifty’s fake!’ 
Manager: ‘No, the two dollar bill is.’ 
Guard: ‘Why would he fake a two dollar bill?’ 
Manager : ‘I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?’ 
Guard: ‘Yeah.’


Security Guard walks over to me and……

Guard: ‘Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.’ 
Me: ‘Uh, no.’ 
Guard: ‘Lemme see ‘em.’ 
Me: ‘Why?’ 
Guard: ‘Do you want me to get the cops in here?’ 

At this point I’m ready to say, ‘Sure, please!’ but I want to eat, so I say, ‘I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says, 

Guard: ‘Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?’ 
Manager: ‘It’s fake.’ 
Guard: ‘It doesn’t look fake to me.’ 
Manager: ‘But it’s a two dollar bill.’ 
Guard: ‘Yeah? ‘ 
Manager: ‘Well, there’s no such thing, is there?’ 

The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. 

173,589 notes (via ghostworldofdragonflies & goooooooodmorning-deactivated20)

Oct 21 '14

comedyaintpretty:

One of the best ending moments in a movie.

249,781 notes (via i-am-the-almighty-moose & comedyaintpretty)